Identity: Daughter of Christ

So I have been putting off writing this next blog for a couple days now.... because it is difficult for me to make myself this vulnerable. However, what I have been struggling with lately is something that I feel is part of being a missionary and I feel that the people supporting me should know what i am dealing with.

These past couple weeks have been extremely hard.
There. I said it.

I´ve been really lonely. Not because I don´t have people here that care about me, because I do. Viv has become like a sister to me and we can talk to each other about anything. I´ve made so many new friendships that I thank God for... but...

Christmas is a time that a person spends with their family, their friends. And while I am spending time with family and friends, it feels like I´m an intruder. Almost like I am invading into someone else´s life. But let me make something very clear before I move on- it isn´t because of anyone here or not feeling welcome.

It is because I´m not in a place that is familiar to me. I can´t run up and jump on my sisters or wrestle around with my brothers or hug my parents. It is almost a severe case of being homesick.

It has become so severe, however, that I am questioning who I am. I know who I used to be, but who am I now?

It was easy to reach out and love people back home because I had my support system close to me. My family, my church, my friends. I feel like I´ve been thrown into a whole other world now. The last couple weeks I´ve let myself curl into this insecure shell, and I don´t know myself.

The Allison I used to know wasn´t scared or insecure, she reached out to others without any hesitation, she was a leader, she was strong.

Lately... I don´t know where she went.
And I´ve been avoiding admitting this because I put the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I told myself I had to be stronger because people back home were depending on me. I had to be the perfect example, there was no room to stumble. I HAD to know who I was. The truth is that I don´t know right now.

So I started praying, asking God who I am. His response has been simple:

YOU ARE MINE.

I hear it over and over again.

YOU ARE MINE... AND MINE ALONE.

He has taken me away from everything I know and put me in place where it is difficult for me to speak the language and is hard to be independent, all so He could tell me I am His? I already knew that.
But I knew it in my mind and not in my heart. He has stripped me until I have nothing left, so that I may find my identity in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
I have nothing else to fall back on.

I feel like He brought me to this cliff to jump off of into the water below. I´ve jumped off cliffs with Him before, but there were always harnesses and lifejackets and lifeguards making sure everything is safe.
This time He brought me to the cliff alone, no ropes, no lifejackets.... just me and Him. And He tells me to jump off. So I did, I took my leap to Colombia. But then halfway through the jump my mind started panicking, saying that it wasn´t safe, that I maybe I should´ve waited, that I´m not equipped to do such a jump.
So my prayer now is that God will quiet my heart.
That He will give me peace and my identity will be found in Him and Him alone.
He told me to jump. He wants me here, this I am sure of.
When things around me aren´t secure, He always is. Theses are some lyrics from the group Barlow Girl:
¨I cried out with no reply
And I can´t feel you by my side
So I´ll hold tight to what I know
You´re here and I´m never alone¨

It is time for me to stop pretending I can do anything on my own. I can´t.
Thankfully He can do all things.
Please keep me in your prayers as I find my identity in Christ.

¨Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.¨ Hebrews 12:1-3

This verse has become really important to me. It says to consider Him who endured, so that we don´t become weary.
It has been hard for me lately, yes. But He went through so much more than I ever will. And how to I expect to run this race with the weight of the world on my shoulders? He says to throw it off, it is not needed.
We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, not on the saftey nets we try to keep beside us. He is our focus, and we need to run to Him with perseverance.
I was born with a purpose in mind, and the race has been marked out for me. My path is different than your path, but we both are running this race. May our focus, our Savior, spur us on.